So, yeah, what can I say?  I was almost deported because the company I worked for in Taiwan didn't file my paperwork properly.  Was it an honest mistake or a corrupt attempt to save some red tape cash?  I dunno, but it didn't matter either way.  The weight of it fell on me, and I had to deal which meant hightailing it out of the country with zero savings or prep-time.

So, this is a message to say "thank you" to everyone at Zaadz for making a great community.  I especially wanna say huge "thank you"s to everyone who's joined my pod during this hiatus of horror.  I'm really gonna try to get back in there, but the relocation was not easy and the adjustment is not over.  I left a lot of things, and nearly all my friends, in Taipei.

I don't mean to make excuses, though. I'm just sayin'.  I really do believe in this group.  I really do intend to do more, be more a part of it.  I know I can.  I'm not arrogant enough to believe that anyone's really been affected by my absence anyway, but as an Ambassador, I felt I at least ought to explain.  Or, well, I wanted to.

I'm gonna go post something in the pod (LOVOVTOY) now!  ^_^

I let myself slow down.  I let myself let go.  I let myself roll back down the hill just when I was nearing the summit.  I was getting the hang of blogging, though still really purposelessly.  I was full time thinking of myself as a Zaadzster.  I was ready to go for it as an Ambassador and tender of a pod.

But then I curled up inside myself, started reading, started working on projects, shifted to a new job.  And the voice comes, "It's too late.  You've let yourself down.  You've let everyone down.  You're not as good as these people.  You're not really committed.  You're not gonna make it."  ...And I laugh.  That's the beautiful thing about Zaadz.  It's inspiring!  The opportunity to get it together and share is there all the time.  I just have to seize it.  Chance it.  Usually I get so down on myself when I don't keep to tasks, but right now I realize that I haven't been doing nothing.  I have been recuperating, envisioning, and working in the real world.  I forgive myself.  More than that, I see there is nothing to seek forgiveness for.  There is no error.

Again, I find myself looking for meaning in this blog.  I suppose if there is any point to this, it is to look at the process of living, of creating, of being.  To notice the ups and downs.  Right now I am happy and confident.  I imagine I also will be tomorrow, but every moment will continue to be a unique moment and exactly how I feel will continue to change.  I, personally, need to be more at peace with process.  So, again, I suppose the purpose is still for me. 

I believe in work. I really do.  But I also believe that living one's destiny shouldn't feel "hard."  "Hard" is in resistance.  When I flow with what is - with what is most natural - I feel light.  I get so impatient so often.  I doubt my skills and self-worth.  In this moment, though, I am certain:  What I have to give to the world is indeed worth having and when the time is ripe, I will find the help and guidance I need to manifest my calling.  I am not merely passive; I am faithful.  We are not guided by spirit to a mirage.  We are guided to the truest possible vision of what life can be.  There is nothing to fear.  Our potential and our nourishment are packaged inside us from birth.  Life is the unfolding.  Like any seed, all that is needed is there from the beginning.  Keep nourishing with light and water - stay grounded - and the laws of nature will bring forth fragrant blossoms and delicious fruit.

I kinda dropped the ball with the blog for a couple days.  One reason is because I've been reading Sophie's World and it has totally enchanted me - I can't put it down.  I've been reminded of several of my own youthful concepts as I read it.  I think my favorite one is the idea that all of existence consists of matter and negative space.  That negative space is what holds matter together - it's the space of energy, attraction, and binding that manifests form.  This space is not empty - it is filled with love which is the pure energy of spirit, of God or the Source, the Is.

As particles of matter are attracted to each other in different ways, they create manifestation.  In the manifest world, it seems that all things have a purpose, the ultimate purpose of all being simply to exist.  Aristotle talks about the "final cause" of things.  I believe that humanity's final cause is to lind the Creation back to the Source through reflection.  I believe that the universe as Creation is not separate from the Universe as Creator.  There is no separation between the beginning of time and now or the future.  We live in this eternal moment.  Humans, though, have the special faculty of reason.  We can reflect on the Creation.  We can co-create consciously with it.  We can imagine and manifest visions.  We can marvel at our creation.  We complete the circle.

The weekend was filled with energizing gifts. Great music from Cyantific and London Elektricity, who I only knew about because of Sophie.  Sophie's incredible gift that brought me back to Mayan astrology and put wind in my sails.  Clothing that I could afford which actually healed a deep identity wound about how I present myself to the world.  Great friends and great times.  More birthday gifts even though it was a week ago.  Freedom to use fragments as bonafide sentences as much as I want.

I feel myself like a beautiful kite tied to a magnificent stone with an endless rope.  I feel anchored and soaring, majestic and unassuming, adventurous and centered.  I feel good.  In this moment, I feel good.

If anyone has perhaps read this blog, they may wonder why it's being made public at all since it's just my private thoughts.  At least, I am wondering that.  I suppose for me right now that I want to maintain it publicly because of the courage of it.  For me to put my thoughts out into the world is not easy, whether anyone cares or not.  And also, knowing that there is public evidence if I don't keep it up is motivating.  But it's fair to say at this point in my foray into blogging that it's still really for me.  I am hopeful that in time it will gather a stronger sense of purpose.  For now, like my life, it just feels good.

I'm going to a drum&bass thing tonight with a friend, so I know I won't have another chance to update the blog.  Here's a little thing that came out on the train on my way into work today:

The lights glow dim amber outside & the wolves won't stop howling.  Can't see anything by candleflicker on the redtable, but the cobalt goblet lies in smashed pieces on the oak floor.  Stars glitter around it & I remember - that wine was so good.  I go down on my knees to lick it up & slice my tongue.  As I stand in the mirror removing the shards of blue, my mouth full of the metallic flavor of blood & glass, I realize that you taste so much better & drinking you was worth every painful moment.

Dunno where it came from, really, but I kinda like it.

I spent the better part of today thinking about how to console my friend.  Well, I guess "better" isn't really the right word.  I told her about Zaadz.  Checking it out led her to that feeling I like to think we all sometimes get, the feeling that what one is simply isn't up to par.  It's easy to be intimidated by this community, but even easier to be inspired.  At least that's what I'm feeling at the moment as I keep my promise to myself to maintain this blog.  But I know exactly what she was feeling.  And although I was successful at empathizing with her, I failed miserably in any attempts to make her feel better.  There just wasn't anything to say.

Of course, that didn't stop me from trying.  I talked about being grounded to core worth, about focusing on the skills she has, about how anything can be developed.  I dropped out of art school because I never thought I could become as good as the kids who were already just really good.  I know how it feels.  It's like everybody around you found the ultimate study guide for the test and you didn't even know you had a test that day.  The worthlessness is so overwhelming, though, that even when I remember what it's like to feel that way, I have no idea what anyone could say to ease my sense of despair.  It just has to pass.

Finally I decided that's the truest thing I could say, that it will pass.  It always does.  She's had to say it to me a million times before.  And every time it passes, you get a little bit stronger.  The same little things won't get you down or break your stride again.  Every time it's longer in between the pitfalls, even though every time I fall it feels like the end again, for real this time.  ^_^

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I feel so successful at living my life that I'm perfectly content.  I wonder at how much my standards for what "successful" means have changed and continue to change all the time.  Surely at some point my vision and my reality must meet.  I have only in the past few years successfully recalled my dream for my life, found my calling, so to speak.  I am terrified of failure.  Not just personally, but of not manifesting this vision of love and joy in this plane.  I am terrified of someone "beating me to it."  I am terrified of my ineptitude.  I am terrified of laziness and fear.  Yet, through all that terror, I still, perhaps naively, believe that there is no doubt.  The Source does not embrace us, inspire us, enchant us, guide us only so far - we are blessed for the long haul.  I feel it in every cell.  I guess no matter how much of a failure my friend felt like today, she was very successful in helping me see fear...and see through it.  She's a rock star, and when this feeling passes, I know that she knows it, too.

I've never kept a blog before.  Only yesterday, in fact, did I guess that "blog" comes from "weblog."  I still haven't bothered to check if this guess is actually accurate.

Recently it feels like things are coming together.  The battle against inertia finally seems to be won (for the moment) and momentum is on my side.  The struggle uphill seems a bit less steep and I can already see the dawn over the high horizon.  "It's all happening."

It's 1am and I'm tired.  Zaadz is a wonderful discovery.  The seed is planted.  The future is verdant, vibrant, and present.  It's an amazing thing when the present and future conjoin and one doesn't just sleep right through it.